Another funny moment...

From a student's essay on how to improve the environment...

"We can do things to save the environment...  First, we should climb trees. It's an easy thing to do. Climbing more trees can prevent desertification and trees can breathe the CO2."

It's amazing what one incorrect verb can do to an essay. I was bored until this moment.

T

Great student speech moments

After listening to a few hundred students from the Dalian area present speeches this past weekend, I thought I'd share some of the highlights. Really, there are more than the few that I'm posting here, but these ones were the most obviously hilarious (and the only ones I wrote down/could remember). Hope you enjoy...

"Hello everyone. I'm glad to do this speech to you."

"My favourite magazine is the encyclopedia."

"My favourite movie is 2012, because it makes me ponder about the end of the world."

"My best friend Tom is the fattest boy in class. His face is big and round like a basketball, with two small black eyes. He is not clever, but he's very funny."

"My best friend Kate is lovely. She has short hair and looks like a boy."

"My best friend is my mother. She is not beautiful and some people think she is ugly, but she is very good at maths."

T

I know I'm not in Canada.

This conversation took place at 9am in our ESL teaching office...

"T, would you like to try some of this?" the teachers asked.

"What is it?" I respond (as I'm always intrigued by foreign delicacies).

"It's very delicious... spicy, smoked duck neck!" Smiles all around... the 6 Chinese teachers then proceeded to devour the bag in front of me.

Hmmm... 9am? With my coffee? Wu bou yao, xie xie.

T

Lessons

So, I had to mail off my application for non-residency so I can avoid paying Canuck taxes on my earnings here in China. I'd printed off paperwork in the fall but never got around to actually filing the papers. However, now that it's tax season in Canada, the urgency arrived and I knew I had to get it done. Thus, I printed off new sheets, filled them out, and with the help of one of our admin assistants in the principal's office, we went to the post office today to mail it off.

For context: In March, I'd received a Christmas gift from my good buddy from the 403 S.P. He sent it on December 24th and I didn't get it until March 10th. Knowing the absurdity of this delay, I wanted to make sure I sent my application "express" so it arrived quickly and I could complete my taxes according to my anticipated non-resident status. When I arrived, I asked Cathy (my friend and the admin asst) to request that go as quickly as possible. Their answer was that it would be in Canada in 4 days. Awesome.

Now, you must consider: the application is no more than a few pieces of paper in an envelope. It was less than 100g on the scale.

What was the price??

221 Chinese RMB!!!!!!!!! What does this translate to in Canadian dollars, you ask????? MORE THAN $35!!!!!

My vomit reflex kicked in and it's like I got booted in the solar plexus. For 4 sheets of paper, it cost me more than $35 to send it to Canada. Mental note and lesson learned: NEVER put yourself in a position where you are in a hurry to get something to Canada. EVER.

Another lesson I learned today was this: I should NEVER agree to something before I've heard all the details.

This afternoon, I was approached by the Dean of our ESL department. He asked me today if I would help out the school/company by being a judge for the Maple Leaf Cup, which is a regional speech competition started by Chairman of our school as a way of advertising for our educational system and inspire competition with surrounding schools. I was flattered, since it seemed that none of the other teachers (Chinese or Canadian) were asked to sit on the judges panel. Agreeing quickly, he explained that it takes place on the weekend and that it was a half-day on Saturday and a full day on Sunday. This surprised me, since I when we were told about it in the first place, only Sunday was mentioned. However, I didn't think it would be a big deal. They were paying me a bit of cash for the actual judging and were giving me cab fare for the weekend. If you know my philosophy about money and free stuff, you guess that I'd be IN.

Then came the little tidbit that nobody had previously mentioned...

I have to be in downtown Dalian on Saturday morning... at 7:30am. It's an hour drive in a taxi. Which means I need to leave at 6:30am. And it's only for a 1/2 day! Apparently I'll be done around lunch time. Who organizes these things??? Why would you hold a speech competition at 7:30am on SATURDAY! Holy calamity, Batman. That's just nutty.

I'm currently waiting for an email providing an itinerary for the rest of the weekend. All I can hope is that I won't need to make such an early appearance on Sunday as well. I'm also hoping that sleep will find me in the next few days so the 5:30am wake-up call doesn't kill me. My Mon-Fri 6am alarm is enough to make my night-owl brain rebel. The 5's just make me loopy. Wish me luck.

T

More Bits

Random things I've seen/experienced lately...

Seen: a 3ft tall baby spruce in the middle of a major road. For what purpose? To make people avoid an open manhole. Why use pylons when you have a small, coniferous tree available?

Heard: Chinese versions of songs by Celine Dion, Michael Jackson and... the Venga Boys.

Watched: A grade 9 boy punch out the window in a classroom door in front of 3 teachers and receive no obvious punishment or tongue-thrashing.

Ate: fish that looked like fried chicken, tofu that looked like fish, chicken that looked like tofu, and a million different versions of sweet and sour pork.

Ran: up the highway to a town about 5 clicks away and had kids running up the road with me as I left the town. Just call me the Piper.

Cooked: a massive red curry and sticky rice with the curry paste smuggled up to China by JG with the help of KG. I miss you, Thailand.

Purchased: fish sauce, rice vinegar, soya sauce, short-grain rice, sesame oil, and chili paste. I don't own ketchup, mustard, bbq sauce or any salad dressing. I'm wondering if I still have my Alberta blood in me. Oh wait... I think there's still a Tim McGraw song on my Ipod. Yup. It's still there.

T

Dark thoughts

There are days like yesterday and today that make me rethink my decision to be a teacher. Do I really have the skills/patience/temperament to do this job effectively?

The reason I question myself about such things is this: I get so frustrated that I consider how joyous it would be to simply launch the rude/disrespectful/lazy students through the classroom window where they'd never be seen again. I don't dream about the violence of what the reality would entail. Nope. I just consider what a nice relief it would be to let these students vacate my life in some sort of mysteriously magical moment. You know? Poof. In a puff of smoke, they disappear. Them and their bad attitudes and confrontational demeanours. Is it really THAT HARD to copy some simple notes and then write 10 SENTENCES IN AN HOUR OF CLASS? I don't believe so. I've sometimes given my students too much work. Yesterday and today were not the days. But somehow, some way, they managed to bring me to a red-faced, frustrated point of angry that I rarely reach. I don't consider myself too high-strung. If anything, I feel like I'm too lax about many things in my life. But today. Today my friends... today was not my zen day.

I tried to reason. I tried to explain. I tried to provide simple consequences. And then I tried punishments. When the behaviour continues and other teachers contradict my authority, I'm left with little else to do. This is where the a background in illusory magic would come in pretty handy. Lippy kid? Yep... out the widow ye go! Confrontational? Zap... suddenly you're a kiwi on the lunchroom buffet. Swearing at me in Mandarin while your friends look on? A little flick of the wrist will land you in central Mongolia without a jacket and in the care of baby yaks. Didn't do any work for 12 straight classes? Hmmm... you might just end up on one of Jupiter's moons. Hope you dressed warm today!!!

It's days like today that make me feel like I'm losing the battle, and I'd love that bat that Dr. Seuss has mentioned. Let's be honest, any bat would do. I think without the stress relief found on my weekends and in my semi-regular runs, I'd be a gray-haired or completely bald man who rocks himself in a chair all day while under heavy anti-psychotic medication. Breathe, Mrak. Breathe. The weekend is almost here.

T

Life is not a solid...

... life is fluid. It must be.

Last week found me dealing with a lot of fatigue and frustration and relief and annoyance over my application for an academic job here in China. Finally, after getting my job offer I believed the saga to be over and I mentally prepared myself for a new adventure in a new city in the fall. I started considering trips to cities close to Tianjin and was beginning to get excited about new independence I was going to experience in a totally new setting with nobody to simply rely on anytime an issue arose. I was excited. And ready.

I woke up this morning and turned on my computer. Opening up my email, I noticed a new message from the recruiter who is in charge of all the hiring for the school. He was the one who hired me for my ESL job and for my academic transfer to Tianjin. It was an offer to change schools and to be placed... in DALIAN!

After all the frustration and worry and then the transition to a comfortable feeling about the new adventure, I'll be staying here after all! No shipping stuff across the BoHai Sea, no need to worry about housing (I can likely find a place before I leave for the summer), no anxiety about a new city and totally new people (even though there might be up to 40 new teachers at this school), and I'll still be able to have all the adventures I had this year (and I'll have more money to finance them!).

So, here I'll stay for another year. 

T