My apologies if the title is misleading. Maybe it should read: Running saved my life.
Or, my sanity at least.
Three years ago, I was the most miserable I'd ever been. My marriage was falling apart, I was in the first few months of the first teaching job I'd ever had (all upper level high school English, and I didn't know if I even wanted to be a teacher), I was attempting to coach an elite volleyball team (I was never an elite player and had only ever assistant-coached for two seasons), and I felt like I was losing grip on everything in my life. Everything was overwhelming me and I felt like I was failing in pretty much every aspect of my life. I was losing my patience and my ability to make reasonable decisions, and I was more sad and angry and frustrated that I had ever been. I was distant with those closest to me and was treating the woman I said I loved worse than I've probably treated any friend in my entire life. I couldn't sleep, wasn't eating well, was doing a terrible job teaching, and couldn't seem to get control over myself.
Every week, as the spring progressed, I felt like I was sinking deeper into a hole. Work... home... life... everything felt like an elephant on the chest, or like treading water in a choppy ocean. Sleep would not come without the aid of beer or sleep aids a lot of nights. I wasn't an addict, but in retrospect, I was walking toward addiction, slowly but steadily. I've never been truly unhappy. Not before then, at least.
Luckily for me, twice every week, I was able to meet a group. Not an addiction group. But a running group. I signed up for a running clinic to prepare myself for a 25km trail race through the hills and forests around the central Okanagan in western Canada. I had only ever run one race, and it was a 10k race the year before. I'd put back on the weight I'd lost the previous summer when I was maintaining some physical activity, had stopped going to the gym, and was only running once every few weeks. I have such tendencies... when I'm not setting a goal, I don't pursue exercise with any regularity. Or, at least that's been the trend. Gym passes have gone unused, diet plans have been abandoned, etc. Although these runners didn't know it at the time, they helped rescue me from (pardon the cliche) the pit of despair I felt myself slipping into. It was an hour or two out of my day where I could put everything on the shelf and just be. I could let all the pent up anger and energy disappear into oblivion. I could exhaust myself with endless steps. And I could just live inside my head for a while, only focusing on my breath and my footfall. Every hill I climbed and curve in the trail I turned helped leviate the burdens of life and although it didn't save my marriage, it eased my mind and heart just enough to help me get a few hours of sleep and maintain some semblance sanity and of who I was. Little did I know that I'd largely forgotten about that other self and neglected to pursue who I wanted to be.
I was able to complete my 2hr 33min race through the hills and trails of the Okanagan with a smile on my face. It was genuine, which was rare at that stage in my recent past. It didn't save my relationship or help right any of the wrongs we were doing to each other. Less than a month after the race I was living on my own back in Victoria. However, upon moving back and being alone again, I kept running. I kept running through all the insomnia, the fatigue, the anger and all the resentment that never seemed to disappear. But it was the only thing that kept me going in any sort of healing direction. That, and of course the support of my family and friends.
It's now my second year in China and I just completed my second half marathon. I am also 10 days from the Great Wall Half Marathon outside of Beijing, one of the top "destination" marathons in the world. 9.5kms up and down the most famous wall in the world, followed by another 11.6kms through the nearby towns and back to the wall. I'm a little worried about how gruelling it'll be, but I know it'll be one of the best experiences of my life. And now, a few years into my still-developing passion for this solo sport, I consider myself a runner. It was the thing that opened the release valve on my stress and soothed my spirit through my new path to happiness and self-discovery. I know my shoes are only meters away at all times, and I continue to lace them up for a thousand different reasons. I'm who I am today because of the sport. I'll never be competitive and never shatter records (I was, after all, the wheezy, red-faced kid who sat on the bench of the Grade 10 basketball team back in the day).
But I'll still run.
T
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